After having Nicolas I will admit I completely forgot about any other aspect of life because it just didn't seem important anymore (hence a stack of bills, a pile of homework, an unattended house, an empty makeup drawer, neglected dogs, and an abandoned career). It was so easy for me to forget about everything else and completely consume myself into just Nicolas' world. Well last week my honeymoon came to a dramatic end....I had to return to work. I already told my boss she should probably just not read this post! Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my job, in fact, I enjoy most aspects of it. I obviously am a career oriented person or else I wouldn't be wasting my time in graduate school, however, my priorities in life have drastically changed. Nicolas now comes first and there is nowhere I'd rather be than at home with him in my arms.
So I decided to ease myself into this whole daycare thing by starting back part time. Wednesday, November 2 was my first day back. I have so many fears about daycare and returning to work:
What if they are mean to him?
What if he likes daycare more than me?
What if he stops breast feeding?
Will he forget that I'm his mommy?
Will he feel abandoned?
Will he be loved enough?
Will he get enough attention?
It's never ending, the questions,worst case scenarios, fear...I guess it's "welcome to motherhood" as I know that "every new mom goes through this" and blah blah blah. But when it happens to you, it feels like the end of the world.
So on the first day I had to take Nicolas, Enrique met me there for support (and I think he was just as nervous about daycare as me). I was crying the whole drive there. When I walked him in I was able to hold it together pretty well but as soon as I walked out of his room I felt my lip start to tremble. Waterworks began again and I was so upset that as I was pulling out if the parking lot BAM...I backed into a car :( Luckily there was no damage and I'm sure one day Nicolas will laugh at me when I tell him thus story but on that day it was devastating to me.
For the next week, I would cry every morning when dropping him off. I know there are benefits to daycare and I have to remind myself of that everyday. He seems to be doing ok there, one lady already refers to him as "my baby" so on one hand I'm glad that he has someone who is attached to him....but on the other hand I get a little jealous. The other day I was watching the webcam at daycare (for any coworkers reading this I promise I am not constantly doing this while at work!)and Nicolas was getting kisses and I immediately texted Enrique saying "he is getting too many kisses from another woman". So, as life goes, it's an adjustment. Will I ever be ok with my baby going to daycare....NO but I know it is what is best and I will do what I have to do.
Disclaimer: I have been writing bits and pieces of this blog for two weeks now during my pumping sessions at work. For the sake of time I have chose to publish so that
I can move onto a more fun blog...the three month update! Look for it this weekend :)
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